Six years ago I read a book called, “If Singleness is a Gift What’s the Return Policy” by Holly Virden and Michelle McKinney Hammond. The book was a gift from a friend, and to be honest I was offended that she gave it to me. Did she think I was an unhappy single? Sure, I had mentioned to her in the past that sometimes it’s hard to be single, but did that truly merit a book with such a title. I politely smiled, saying “thank you” as I took it, but in my mind I had no intention of reading it. However, the catchy title intrigued me. Months later as I was in a season of waiting in terms of career I reluctantly picked up the book. To my shock I actually liked it. Throughout the pages the two friends don’t regard the single life as a cross to bear, but rather an amazing opportunity to take advantage of everything life has to offer and to discover their God-ordained purpose. While speaking honestly about the hardships singles can face, they also celebrate the positives that are part of the single package and validate it as a true gift from God. The two women cover a range of topics from lust, to loneliness, discouragement, and bitterness. The authors use humor and sound biblical teaching as a point of reference. This book that in my pride I had discarded end up being the most refreshing book I have read on the subject.
Sadly, I’ve talked with too many single women who view singleness as a unwanted gift. A gift they would gladly return if they could. I won’t deny it; we live in a society in North America that is brutal on the single. Media loves to uphold and celebrate romantic relationships, and is constantly trying to get the unattached people into relationships. This world has a messed up view on relationships, sex and ultimately love. I’m human and I will be the first to admit that I have wrestled with my status as a single person in the past. When I was a little girl I assumed that every woman grew up and got married. My own mother had married when she was 25 and I thought that would be my story. But as many of us adults have learned life doesn’t usually turn out the way we envision it when we’re little. I don’t think that it’s wrong to wrestle. As a friend once lovingly told me, God is big enough to handle our questions and our wrestling. He’s not scared of it. He’s not surprised by it. And he doesn’t turn away because of it.
However, after those couple of years of wrestling in my early twenties I found the answer to contentment. Jesus. I discovered that Jesus satisfies. Some of you might be rolling your eyes because you either don’t believe me, think it’s cheesy or because you figured that out way before I ever did. But here’s the thing, I grew up as a Christian who was taught that all my life. I could have verbally told you this truth when I was a young girl. Yet, it wasn’t until my heart finally embraced that truth, when I finally experienced it personally that it changed my world. Perhaps I was always on the journey of figuring that out, but my heart started to accelerate in that knowledge in my young adulthood. I can now declare joyfully and wholeheartedly that I truly believe singleness is a gift. And the following may even be difficult for some to understand but when I turned 30 last year and I was still single I felt incredibly empowered as a woman. Please don’t misunderstand me this doesn’t mean that I don’t ever want to get married. I would love that if God has that in store for me, but as my friend Elizabeth once brilliantly said to me, “I have bigger dreams than marriage.” I have never forgotten that. My heart echoed that as she spoke it. Marriage should not be the end goal. If marriage is not within God’s plan for me than I wish to be the best single person I can be. I refuse to live a life of unhappiness. I refuse to live a life of waiting. And I will tell you this I would rather be single the rest of my life than compromise on my morals, settle or marry the wrong person and be stuck in a marriage.
I’m a huge supporter of marriage. I love what marriage stands for and how God created and intended marriage to be. I am in awe of couples who have been married for a long time and have overcome obstacles. I could easily sit for hours listening to stories of how God has brought people together and I grew up with the best example of what it means to die to self and love someone the way that Christ loves the church. My parents have been married for 31 years and they are the best of friends. They aren’t just roommates. They are still in love. They are companions. They enjoy each other’s company. I grew up with a healthy view of marriage.
My insightful sister Natalie recently shared something with me that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about, “Marriage is fundamental to society, but not to the individual.” I couldn’t agree more. For all the wonderful things that marriage has to offer I have never believed that another person can complete you. The only person that can do that is God. That hole shape in your heart was meant for your Creator not for another human to fill. Some people may disagree with this notion, but I see how as humans we constantly seek others to fill us and and are left feeling disappointed and empty when they can’t. It’s because they were never meant to. People can enrich our lives, but they can never satisfy our deepest longings. There is nothing like finding satisfaction in Christ. There is no love that will ever match his love. After all, the Bible clearly tells us that God is love.
Over the last couple of years I have felt a deep desire to advocate on behalf of single women. Well meaning loved ones who are in relationships often want to set us up on dates or constantly ask us questions about our status or if there are any guys in our lives. Like I mentioned they often do it out of love, but their words can actually have the opposite effect of what their intentions are leaving us feeling discouraged and disheartened. I would like to address some of these things.
To those Married or in Relationships: (The following are conclusions I have come to after much contemplation, prayer and discussions with single women)
– There is nothing wrong with us. Just because we are single doesn’t mean we’re lacking something.
– No, we don’t always know why we’re single. Ask God. Maybe he’ll give you the details because all we usually know is that he has us single for a reason. He has us exactly where he wants us. He is not surprised by our status.
– I’ve been talking with a lot of my single friends lately and we’ve all agreed that we don’t like it when people constantly ask us, “Are there any guys in your life?” If there are and we want to tell you we will. Otherwise, no there aren’t. When you ask us that it makes us feel as though you don’t think we’re enough on our own. It can also disrupt the contentment and peace we feel in our singleness.
– We often feel like we need to defend the fact that we’re single in our society.
– What if we don’t ever get married, or do but years from now or never wish to get married, will you our married friends still accept us and think we’re enough?
– This may be hard for some of you to comprehend, but some of us are okay if we never have children. There are other ways to mother and nurture. Isn’t the point of Christianity to make disciples? Some of us mentor younger girls and in doing so are making disciples.
– Jesus was the most holy man on earth and he was single.
To My Dear Married Friends:
Thank you for inviting me to your get togethers even when I am the only single person there. Thank you for embracing me, loving me as I am and caring about my life where I’m at. You don’t even know how much that means to me that you don’t discard me because I am not in a relationship. I’m grateful for how considerate you are that conversations with you are not just confined to your husbands and kids. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives. I love your husbands and the babies that are now entering the world. I learn about relationships from you; how you treat your spouses, how you are teaching your children to grow in the Lord. I love being around your families. Thank you for checking in with me when you have less time than before when we were so young and without as many responsibilities. I cherish the emails, phone calls, Facebook messages and text messages you send me in between making time with your spouses, and feeding children. And please know that I sincerely rejoice with the beautiful blessings God has given you.
To My Dear Single Friends:
I am so grateful and honoured to walk this journey of singleness with you. You inspire me. I love hearing about your dreams. I love the freedom that we share, and that we get each other in a world that screams, “you have no worth if you’re alone.” To those of you who carry a deep pain because you so badly wish to be married my heart aches for you. Hold on, keep persevering, continue to pray. God knows your pain, sees the loneliness, and is wiping your tears in the process. Please don’t settle. Please don’t compromise because it seems that you’ll never get married otherwise. Let’s help each other by speaking truth in love, and by encouraging one another. We are not alone. We have so much to offer this world. Let’s hold our heads high, with confidence knowing that our worth doesn’t depend on another person. God has given us value on our own.
Marriage and singleness are both gifts. One is not better than the other despite what our opinions might be. They are simply different. Each carry their share of advantages and disadvantages. You can be miserable as a single person, but you can also be miserable as a married person just like you can find contentment in either and both. We have each been given a gift. What will you do with yours? Will you receive it with gratitude or will you try to look for the receipt so you can give it back? It is my heart’s desire that you will joyfully take the present that you have been entrusted with at this point in your life and use it to bless others with it. Where you are is exactly where you’re supposed to be. You are blessed and loved.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Raquel
gracealongtheroad 